Why does communication matter?
Human beings need to communicate. It is the mechanism through which we build and maintain the relationships, groups, and communities essential to our survival. This includes our businesses. Some studies report that up to 80% of a worker’s day is spent communicating (1). Many employees find communication to be the most taxing part of their work (2). Needless to say, it is crucial that we develop foundational communication skills for the workplace.
What makes for good communication?
Author Charles Duhigg (3) took a deep-dive into a group he calls “supercommunicators”. He found that what distinguishes this group is their ability to notice and adapt to the type of conversation they are having. Conversations generally fall into three categories:
- Decision making conversations- what are we going to do and how?
- Emotional conversations- how do we feel?
- Conversations about identity- who are we?/what are our interests and life experiences?
Supercommunicators quickly identify which of these three conversations is taking place and adjust their questions, responses, and body language to suit. When the conversation switches categories, they move with ease between styles.
Miscommunication happens when parties are trying to have different categories of conversation with each other. For example, one colleague may be processing a strong emotion but the other is in problem solving mode. Or perhaps one party is anxious to make a decision, but their colleague is getting lost in a story about their weekend.
Different types of conversation utilise different areas of the brain so when there is a mismatch of conversation type, people are essentially speaking different cognitive languages. Conversely, when people operate within the same conversational category, magic happens. Their pupils, pulses, and rate of breathing mirror one another- there is physiological and neurological synchronicity (3,4).
So how do we supercharge our communication at work?
1. IDENTIFY your conversation category
When communicating, think about which of the three categories your conversation fits into: decision making, emotional, or identity focused. Sometimes you can openly define the focus of the conversation or directly ask the other party about their needs and expectations up front. At other times you will need to infer this from themes in what is said and body language.
2. ALIGN your responses to the conversation category
Once you know what type of conversation you are going to have, you can fine tune your responses as follows:
| Conversation category | Aligned responses |
| Decision making conversations | Focus on the data, facts, research, and reasoning |
| Emotional conversations | Listen and make space
Ask about and reflect feelings (e.g. “that sounds frustrating”) Reciprocate by sharing your own (e.g. “I used to get frustrated by that too”) |
| Conversations about identity; | Ask about past or present life experiences, interests, and roles (e.g. where did you grow up?)
Deepening questions (e.g. “what was that like?”) Share your own background and tell stories |
You may also adapt contextual variables to best support the type of conversation, i.e. selecting the most appropriate physical setting or digital communication tool and being mindful of the time of day or any time limitations.
3. CHECK your alignment
Are you in tune with the other party in the conversation? In some contexts, it may be appropriate to directly ask the other person if they are feeling heard or understood. However, often we must rely on non-verbal signals that we are attuned. Are your colleagues leaning in and making strong eye contact? Are they smiling or laughing (a physiological signal of interest even if conversation content is not overtly funny)? Are they building off your thoughts by sharing their own? These are some key indicators of alignment.
4. TROUBLESHOOT mismatches
If you identify a mismatch between the type of conversation that you and the other party want to have, can you make space for both? Sometimes, providing room for your colleague’s conversation to take place first can create safety and rapport for yours to follow. For example, helping them process their feelings of frustration about a client may free them up to focus on a project decision.
In other situations, you may need to negotiate or set boundaries around the conversation type. For example, “I’m hearing your frustrations about the team, but we are on such a tight deadline with project decision today, can we catch up about your concerns tomorrow?”
This negotiation will also need to be mindful of seniority of roles and cultural norms.
What about emails and messages?
With written communication there is a loss of the non-verbal information that we rely so much on in our conversations5, 6. While the above ‘supercommunication’ skills can still be used, there are some additional things we can do to make our emails and messages more harmonious. Our ‘supercommunicator’ expert Duhigg3 offers some rules to live by:
- Overemphasise greetings, apologies, gratitude, and politeness (a carefully selected emoji can do wonders);
- Underemphasise sarcasm (this relies too much on voice tone to be detected);
- Avoid criticism in public forums.
Go forth and ‘supercommunicate’
Whether your goal is to enhance a specific challenging workplace relationship or to fine tune your communication skills in general, the four steps (Identify, Align, Check and Troubleshoot) are a great starting point. Look out for those moments of physiological and neurological synchronicity that follow and enjoy stronger workplace connections.
Dr Sophie Muir is a Clinical Psychologist from Auckland’s North Shore. She started her private practice in 2020, having begun her career at the Department of Corrections. She enjoys working across the spectrum of mental health concerns, with a particular interest in relationships and attachment. She wants to make psychological research and theory widely accessible across Aotearoa so that people feel less overwhelmed and alone with their life challenges.
Website: https://www.drsophiemuir.com